Fuckin'A

I'm down to 7.5mg of oxy now and I think I'm gonna die! 3 to 4 times a day,no... only 3. My skin literally feels like it's going to peel off of my arms and hands. This is fucking crazy!
I don't recommend that anyone do this alone like I am. I got clonidine which "helps with withdrawal " fucking yea right. I know this is my first words since I dropped down by half! THAT'S EVEN BAD!!! Oxycodone withdrawal sucks! Fucking crazy thing is is I have a full bottle of 30mg oxys sitting next to me and I refuse to take a normal dose. Half it is. Down from 30mg tablets 4 times a day to 7.5 4 times a day... FUCK I can't type. All these people tell you "oh you can do it!" Have no idea what I'm going thru. I wish they could feel like this for 15 minutes to understand then they might eat their words. I hate this. My mind is STRONG but my body is kicking it's own ass. More later today.... but my 3am awakening sucks. If I could just out of a window I might. It's one of those things where if you were standing on a high bridge you might conifer jumping,even the most strong headed person. FUCK. :-(

18 days, wow, how cool

     I can't believe it will be 6 years together, November 15th is the day we went our for our first "date/get together at McMenamins Mall 205.
     I had met a guy, just a guy friend... acquaintance thru a friend.  Super nice guy... I guess. Mister on the guy. His name is Scott. We'll one day, he invited me to a drum circle up on Mt Hood.  It was a monthly gathering and I had been playing my djembe already for years. Only if I knew that trip, in fact, would change my life.
     Scottie had to get up to the mountain to grab a bunch of camping sites. He had gotten the large site so we had room for a huge circle. It was Salmon River, which I had been going to since I was 16 so I know the ropes :-)  there were supposed to be about 40 yo 50 people. I was excited! New people and fun times!
     I was picked up by these 2 people, Leigh and Big Dave (thats his name i was introduced to).... sweet tiny girl, short petite little thing with a HUGE truck and her real wolf in the back. Out jumps this other guy. He was a big scruffy guy. He was like over 350 pounds easy! Super cool and stocky guy. They I thought were a couple and it looked like the odd couple lol. Both were welcoming to me. It was my ride up there since I didn't drive. All chatting all the way up highway 26 towards Hood. I instantly was hit on by Big Dave. Leigh and I just talked, they were Scottie's friends. Soon to be mine :-)  cracked a few road sodas and off we went. No plans other than to have fun. I was welcomed with open arms :-)  I had an instant drum family ♡♡♡
     We get to the river/camp spot and I watched all these new people setting up. I noticed, since I was single, that there was a couple cute guys. Richard I saw.... a lot lol. I was shy and it was a big group so I actually was never introduced. We just kept jammin..., I was hanging out with the 2 new friends in my life, Leigh and Big Dave. I was content. I had my beers like everyone did.... hard liquor being passed around and blunts and pipes... shroom tea. I only drank. I didn't know them well enough to take shrooms lol. Had a great time. Got home to look at the picture and I kept seeing him in some of the pictures. He was a cute guy. I could tell his demeanor was calm and mellow. He was let's say on my mind, but I knew I was over weight by 20 pounds and didn't feel too attractive lol. I looked like a straight up hippie like everyone else lol. It was a 1970's clothing jam session :-)  I soon forgot about him....
     A few months later, Scottie and crew, we all went rafting down the Sandy from Oxbow to Lewis and Clark. That's a long float! I was good friends with Leigh and Big Dave by then for quite awhile! Dave would come over and hang out with me at my mom's house where I was living. He was the best! So... ok... Dave and I went as buddies of course. There was no attraction other than a good friend with Dave. Richard was there!! Maybe I get to be introduced this time? Ummm not really! We all floated. This time we spoke a little but it was always a group conversation, not Richard and I just chatting. Richard thought Dave and I were together because Dave liked me, a lot, but Dave knew there was no chance, that we'd just be friends. I just wanted friends, not any kind of relationship. We finished the float, had a pure blast jammin down the rapids. We have a huge group of rafts... Scottie's was memorable lol. He had blown up a king sized air mattress, he attached a cooler to it, pitched a pirate flag to the raft and came up with this stoner idea about wrapping the boom box in all plastic wrap ha! So It was all Bob Marley from there on out. Great memories ♡
     Another few months went by. Had seen Richard about 4 back rafting. I was sitting on my old MySpace page and got a message with this guy's face I remembered from both interactions. I didn't know his name ha. So just by face.... oh yea... I remembered :-)  I considered hey! Add another friend to my world because he was so sweet and kind hearted. After chatting for about 30 minutes, him and I both started talking about hanging out soon to get to know eachother. Like I said, just as friends. I had told myself no boyfriends, I didn't have the time or want after a couple failed dates. I was fine being single. ... I loved it. We talked about getting together so I blurted out, I think from excitement. .. "what are you doing tonight? "  He didn't have plans, neither did I. We decided we would go to McMenamins Mall 205 to chill, grab an app and some beers. Closed the MySpace message and got ready.. girls you know... you like to make yourself feel pretty so we fix makeup... hair. I was scruffy already do I just got dressed like I was going to hang out as friends. Right?
     I had butterflies, I can't lie. I watched out of the main window in my house.... his truck pulled up. Took a few deep breaths and took off. He instantly got out of his truck. We stood face to face, saying the usual"hey! Nice to finally meet you!". His eyes were huge lol. I had no idea why. I know i was nervous! He opened my door lol. I'm like... wait, he can't like me! I probably aren't his type. Must be a thing he does for women. Nice touch. The ride was a bit quiet. He didn't talk much. He just had a smile on his face the whole time. I did too. I'm miss social butterfly so I tried to keep up the small talk. It was only a 10 minute drive, seemed forever!
     We get to the restaurant/bar. Love McMenamins.... we grab a booth in the front, just to talk and get to know eachother? Right? I remember being so nervous because I had a crush on someone that I didn't know. I curled my feet up on the booth seat while sitting on my feet lol. I was just there to chill. We sat down across the table and we both turned a few shades of red cheeks. I swear we locked eyes and would stare? Then look away with smiles on our faces. It was all over. These days I had, life I lived without a boyfriend in my life for months was just flying out the window lol. We had a strong and instant connection. It was weird! I wasn't prepared but I loved it all. Was I really going to catch such an awesome guy? My hippie man I had been looking for all my life. Someone who shared a lot of my dreams. Was this the starting to a beautiful relationship? Yup....
     He took me home. On the way home we talked openly like we had known eachother for years. We got to my house and he's just a shy person. I mentioned maybe we expect can hang out again soon?!? He jumped on thst, he sounded excited too. I told him to call me. I remember us both getting out of his truck and just stood there face to face, just a couple feet apart and smiled. I gave him a big hug and said thank you :-) that was a long hug from someone I didn't know well lol. Yes... I was hooked. He was the only man I could think of. I was done, I made up my mind ♡ there was that something special there. He didn't call until late the next day after me waiting with my phone on at my hip all day. He asked if we could do something that night. I was game!
     We went to Mt Tabor instead of spending unnecessary money to be together. I remember sitting atop the hill staring out at the skyline. We were both reminded that this concrete jungle was not for us. We started talking about our hopes and dreams. He was apart of my dreams :-) I couldn't stop thinking about him! I was like a kid again. Waiting for his calls, the butterflies, the wondering thoughts.... ,  dammit... he broke down my wall. That's a hard thing to do!
     So I started staying the night at his home. It was fun. Sat down by the wood stove, we would sit for hours and talk, laugh. Next thing I know, he must have really liked me lol. He asked me to marry him after about 3 to 4 weeks later. I gladly Saud yes. I always thiught... ok, he will change his mind I'm sure. I told him to ask me in the morning if he was serious because he had had a few beers. We soon passed out. I held out on any sort of sexual bond yet for weeks! I'm not easy. I want to see the real colors of people. He was the one. I couldn't have been more happy.
     6am came the next morning. I woke up with my body was facing him. I woke up to him staring at me smiling. He asked me while laying in bed as he ran his fingers thru my hair if I would marry him. I just held him. We held eachother for at least an hour. I was hooked. I had found him... well not really!  Our lives crossed paths and none of this was planned out. I was thinking... Wendy Hamilton. .. sounds good! 
     I'm so blessed by this man. I said yes... I did! So from this encounter I found the man of my dreams. I am complete.
     6 years later, we're just as happy, the butterflies are there still. There's still a passion there. I could never get tired  ?..
     This shows never give up. You don't know when something like this could happen to you. Being single is ok but being loved is the ultimate feeling. They will cross your path. Don't be blind to where you can't see it right away. Hang in there. You will find that person when you least expect it all.. and it happens fast. Deep breaths help. Smile :-)
    

Are you kidding me?

     It was 4:30am.  I just got a text from my friend Anita. She told me she was diagnosed with bone marrow cancer. I'm devistated. She is a woman of God. She lives and breathes the bible. How can this happen?
     She met this man on a dating website. His name is Troy. Troy and Anita fell deeply in love. They would talk on the phone all day long and longed for eachother being that he was all the way in California. They were a great match. They would use face time all the time, I got to meet him a few times and I could see it in their eyes it was a deep love. It was all I could do was to pull her away from the security gates at the airport when he arrived and left Portland after coming to spend all his free time with her. I thought they were perfect for eachother. Man, was I wrong....
     After she was diagnosed, she had the heat breaking news for her soon to be husband. He took it hard. He then told her that he can't deal with it. He said he can't be a caregiver and will never be. He has a life he has to live. How can someone be so cruel? So he left her... Leaving her to mend after a surgery that needed to happen. Something was pressing against her spinal cord, leaving her almost paralyzed. This was so sudden. Everything happened so fast. She had been fine... just some symptoms of a bladder infection/kidney infections. It was all ok? Why did this happen to her? I thought this thing people call "God" was so great and you could rely on him to help you thru life... and he gives people cancer? Wow... sad.
     She had to leave his house, moving back to Oregon. She is trying to get thru chemo now by herself. I'm here for her but her only option was to stay with a friend in Pendleton. That's far away. I'm so sad for hrr. I wish there was something I could do? But I can't. I'm do far away.
     I have so many questions. For her, about life, about cancer and about this "God" guy.... I've heard a lot about him... but I know i have my own beliefs. How can I pray when I don't believe? I was convinced once... I tried, but the more I looked into it and looked at real life... the earth and how things were created... I believe in the universe. Evolution. I may be stubborn but hey, I have never seen anything good from people praying. Good try tho....
     I will hold her in my hesrt. I love the woman. She's a blessing in my life. We have drifted a but apart because of the distance. .. I don't get to see her. What a fucking dickhead for leaving her. How could you just give up on someone you love? That's horrible! Whst a piece of shit! Obviously it wasn't meant to be. Glad she sees his true colors before they were ever married. So much for thru the good and the bad times, thick and thin..
     Life.... a roller coaster of emotion. Hard times were supposed to be temporary?  That's what I was told? Hu.
     That's all..... I'm in shock....

My love of my life

  I don't understand how I can be so lucky. Each day, I look at this man and wonder that... he just came out of nowhere and it was such an instant bond. You know, that look you get from someone that makes your heart beat harder, your brain gets flooded with emotions and those butterflies in your belly. I had all 3 then and still do, just as much today if not more. He just captured my heart and soul.
     People often wonder and ask, "what's wrong with him?".... it's not what's "wrong". He's got a condition that is really hard. It's called...

Spino cerebellum ataxia

     There's nothing we can do, no meds, nothing. We have thought over and over again what will work for the symptoms. There is nothing so far. We have medical marijuana to try but that a different post. So remember, there is nothing we can do. We've tried everything from vitamins and exercise. He tries with weights on his legs and walks with his walker up and down the hall. That's about it. :-(  kills me inside, slowly to watch this. He's in denial when it gets worse.
     I'm cooking all the food now, all the housework which is fine, I'm not complaining, I like to take care of my love... but it broke my heart 3 days ago when he died eat very much for a couple days. I thought he was just not hungry
He stopped in the kitchen... looked at the closed fridge doors and stared... I said to him "whatchu making?" He said "nothing, Wendy I can't make my food, it's too hard". I jumped up and went into the kitchen and we hugged for a long time. It's hard for him to admit things. He's a strong man and I treat him that way. I pump him up to keep positive and that we'll battle this fir the rest of our lives and we will make it work. I told him so many times that I'm here to do anything for him. He knows. I will ask him non stop if he's hungry.
     With this disease, it makes you not too hungry. With almost all his family it starts with choking on food, then things even like water he chokes on. He can't swallow well at all. I've got him into so many specialists to help him. They only told him to do basic exercises with the throat. Does he remember? No. I wish he would help himself a bit more by doing the things doctors tell him to do. There's a lot to remember tho.... So 2 people in his family that are actually younger than him had the same thing happen to them as far as swallowing. They now have feeding tubes. It's a horrible disease. It eats away your body slowly. I'm basically watching his muscle mass fade away. He is losing weight, 5 pounds so far which is a lot for him. He doesn't really have much muscle in his legs anymore. His legs are little twigs. I am feeding him like no tomorrow! Full, huge meals. I've always cooked my ass off but now I'm a straight up chef :-)
     I'm lucky. I feel blessed that he's in my life. Everything happens for a reason. I believe that we were meant to be together, I really do. I'm a caring soul. I always make sure he comes first. I also have to remember that I must take care of myself as well. He's an amazing man. Best soul I've ever met. Sweetest man on earth.
     There are so many challenges we go thru daily. People don't understand at all. People who haven't seen him in a long time get really upset when they see him like this. I have to reassure people that I'm here 24/7 doing the best I can. So many people tell me how awesome I am for being here for him. I wouldn't have it any other way. Am I taking the best care of him that I can? I feel like I am. When things come up tho sometimes I don't know what to do. I try, I try to keep positive for him, for me. I have to learn patients with this condition. We move at a turtles pace which is hard. I'm used to speed walking and moving with a purpose. It's a hard thing to try and learn when your life has been used to moving so damn fast. I have to learn how to breathe. I get flustered at times but there is nothing I can do about it. I have to learn how to accept the "stages" as well. It's not easy. You have to adjust your life every few months to the new challenges. Hard stuff.
     This is just a little of what's on my mind. I could be here for days trying to explain it all. My mind moves so fast that I can't think straight at times. I'm here to fight this, advocate for him and his condition. I'm not going anywhere. People often ask how can you do this. We're given one life that we know of and how can I spend it taking care of him. I'm serious. It's because I love him. I married him for him. I'm up to this. He's my world. If I had the choice to back up, change my mind and live a life without these challenges, I would choose this life. He's worth all my energy and heart, my soul. Even when times get hard and I can't help him to the point of meeting his needs, he's never going to a care center. He will be here with me forever lol poor guy lol. So, if you ever have any questions, ask. I'm not afraid to talk about it. It's real life and real love. I'm blessed. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be ♡

Naps

I love naps. I get to take one whenever I want. Not working is nice so when I need to pass out I can. It keeps me feeling good and refreshed :-)
I found this very helpful information :-)

The benefits from napping:

Naps can restore alertness, enhance performance, and reduce mistakes and accidents. A study at NASA on sleepy military pilots and astronauts found that a 40-minute nap improved performance by 34% and alertness 100%.
Naps can increase alertness in the period directly following the nap and may extend alertness a few hours later in the day.
Scheduled napping has also been prescribed for those who are affected by narcolepsy.
Napping has psychological benefits. A nap can be a pleasant luxury, a mini-vacation. It can provide an easy way to get some relaxation and rejuvenation.
Most people are aware that driving while sleepy is extremely dangerous. Still, many drivers press on when they feel drowsy in spite of the risks, putting themselves and others in harm's way. While getting a full night's sleep before driving is the ideal, taking a short nap before driving can reduce a person's risk of having a drowsy driving crash. Sleep experts also recommend that if you feel drowsy when driving, you should immediately pull over to a rest area, drink a caffeinated beverage and take a 20-minute nap.

Shift work , which means working a schedule that deviates from the typical "9 to 5" hours, may cause fatigue and performance impairments, especially for night shift workers. In a 2006 study, researchers at the Sleep Medicine and Research Center affiliated with St. John's Mercy Medical Center and St. Luke's Hospital in suburban St. Louis, MO, looked at the effectiveness of taking naps and consuming caffeine to cope with sleepiness during the night shift. They found that both naps and caffeine improved alertness and performance among night shift workers and that the combination of naps and caffeine had the most beneficial effect.

James K. Walsh, PhD, one of the researchers who conducted the study, explains, "Because of the body's propensity for sleep at night, being alert and productive on the night shift can be challenging, even if you've had enough daytime sleep." "Napping before work combined with consuming caffeine while on the job is an effective strategy for remaining alert on the night shift."

Pure redness :-)  fuck yea.. I'm taking one now ♡♡♡

4:12am.....

     I slept in. Sweet. I'm just bugged by something... a man hitting a woman. There is no excuse for a man to lay their hands on a woman, ever. The first time is just that, the first time. There's more to come
     I have no idea why a woman would go back to, try to mend things after something like that. I wouldn't even talk on the phone, if it was me? I'd have someone beat his ass, bad. Is it a weak woman? A woman who feels like she has to settle? Like you're going to start off with a fight in a relationship then try to act like nothing happened after they did make it a "big deal" to everyone else. Why stir things up if you're just going back to him? How can someone have their kid around that? No fucking way. That'd be a cold day in hell for me.
     Is it because I'm bull headed and know that I would never go back... friends or not. Mend what a new, already broken? I don't put up with shit. I was hit by my son's dad and that lead to him being kicked out of the house that SAME DAY like he should have been! I don't take it lightly.
     I'm mad.... upset... mainly disappointed by a pinky swear that you won't go back.... and you did. Do promises not mean anything anymore?

For fun, I'll rename these people so it's not shoved in their face. How about "Ann" and "Bob". Tuff love.....

     "Ann" came with me to hang out for a bit, smoke some pot and chill.... I get told "I hurt all over, my neck and back". I asked how it happened? She admitted that this douche bag "Bob" hit her. Drug her around by her hair, choking her... Ann screamed for help. "Bob" kept trying to restrain her but hurt her bad, Ann said.... all because of some conversation that could have been dealt with differently. Heated arguments don't give a person permission to hit you.... pull you by your hair down the hall into a bathroom and shoved her head and body into a fucking toilet. What in your mind tells you that it's ok? So screaming and yelling. Good girl for fighting back tho... but.... argh....
     So Ann comes with me to my brothers house and sits there holding her neck and telling everyone she's in pain. Ann was asked by who?? My brother doesn't play games, neither do I. So we are in complete shock that this fucking douche bag "Bob" (that we now all admit we all never liked in the first place) would hit her. The thing I'm having a hard time with is Ann coming over semi hiding it from us all.... but when we all knew, Ann wanted the attention from this I think. First it was "oh you guys, please don't hurt him". Then when we all talked about how so and so would beat his ass, a few people would stick up for her! So this is what bugged me.... acting like please don't hurt him, then the next sentence from Ann, when asked for this guy's number that will knock "Bob" out, she with a big smile on her face... the whole while getting her phone, smiling and happy, so she WOULD GIVE US THE GUYS NUMBER WHO WILL DEFEND HER! So??? We're all confused!

Why would you play both rolls? Attention?  It's 2 things from you dammit! One sentence is:
"Don't hurt him, it's ok, calm down,"
To.....
"Yea here's the number for him to get a smack down"

     ANN? WHICH IS IT??? If you take him back and go against your promises? I'm leaving you alone. I don't support people who go back when you know he's bad for you.... only if others close to you knew....
     I don't understand, so "Bob" was off her Facebook page.... we all deleted him... then I go to write on her wall and the first person on her friends list was ohhhh boy... the one and only douche bag fuck. Why take him back?!?!
     So now, Ann, is trying to salvage what's left... whst the fuck? Are you not strong? I don't understand how? why? Would you give him a second of your time? You need to grow a pair "Ann". You're better than that. He's a mooch and has been, on top of hurting you, he's a lazy pig, with no job and complains about your kid? Get thst asshole away FROM YOUR KID! Why would you let him around your child? Wait until it happens again and your kid is there, yea..... think about that.
     I'm disappointed. I thought Ann was a strong woman who won't take crap from no guy. Are you settling? You're beautiful! You can find a guy who won't beat on you. Low self esteem? Ann, I'm trying to understand and figure out what is in your brain thinking you can change him. You can't! Open your fucking eyes dude! Really?
     I need like 3 cigarettes back to back when I talk about him. One of those times is now.

What's battered woman syndrome?
Is that it?

     You do what you do. Crying wolf isn't cool... because when it goes down again, you're not going to be believed? People are not going to want to help you because fuck dude! You'll probably go back anyway so why stir people up? It's silly

     You're better than that. Open your eyes "Ann". He's no good!

Starbucks time.

Screw my very shotty post. I don't feel like spelling right now... nor the paragraph set up. I could see this one tacky chick correcting ne lol. Bite me. I'm not in a bad mood at all.... just upset that this is happening, like I said, disappointed. Good luck.

Doing well under the circumstances

     I've cut the dose to almost half. My body notices big time!! Not a pleasant feeling. :-(  feels so itchy on my arms and they won't sit still. This is horrible. I have been on the oxycodone on and off... mainly on for the last 12 to 15 years already. Getting off completely is so so hard. I think I want more but my mind is being tuff. I won't back down. It's going to take a long time but I'm in no hurry. I can hang tight. I hope I don't break and do one regular dose. It's all a mind fuck I'm telling you. The body is addicted as hell so there is no easy way out. Nope. Grin and bare it.
     My body is weak. I sit here and think about it a lot more than I should be. My arms like I said are so bothersome! I keep wanting to itch and rub them . One of the worst parts. So shitty. I am not sick feeling. I'm ok there which is weird. My hearing is muffled and I get ringing in my ears non stop!  Argh! Dizzy, yes... very dizzy. Standing up fast makes me have to stop what I'm doing, wherever I'm at, and sort of bend down and hold my kneews, taking deep breaths. I usually hold onto furniture to balance myself. I can't eat, no way. The body's natural reaction is to just grab that extra half! NO!!! I can't go back now. The weening part is very helpful, even tho detoxing from this is a pain in the ass!
     My husband is proud of me, my mom, my brother.... a lot of my friends. I have a GREAT support system. Thru this crap, you need backup. Talking, and in my case, blogging, helps get me thru a lot and to "get it all out". I used to bottle things up and get stressed so bad I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. Not anynore. Not after I get it completely out of my body.
     I'm scared, it's filled with anxiety and stress.... discomfort is an understatement! I'm so shocked on how bad a human body takes in opiates and becomes highly addicted. My body feels like I haven't eaten in days, but I had Chinese food last night.... I was able to keep it down. I can't get enough water. I'm constantly thirsty. I keep wanting to bite my nails lol. Sometimes I just sit here and count the time, it never goes fast... I swear it takes a long time.  They say after I quit all the way, it only takes about a week to get over the worst, the first 3 days is when all hell breaks loose and you feel your mind and body are being tourcherd. I can survive it. This right now, the cutting down isn't anything compared to the full detox.
     I keep reminding myself that I will and can do this. It's not a problem to where I'm like "I have to have it!!" It's just I built a high tolerance to it all. I mean.... aftrr surgery, they had me on 5 30mg oxycodone all day but what shocked me is how they would do the dilaudid in 2 to 4mg shots in my IV and it didn't help not 1 bit. That's enough to lay out several people! That was my triggrr.... too much and sometimes it wasn't enough. My pain is slowly subsiding in my back. I can just take ibuprofen. We'll see if that works? I hope so. As soon as the oxycodone starts to wear off, in need of another dose, now I smoke. I don't care who knows. It helps with detoxing big time!

My goal: get off oxycodone and get my medical marijuana card. Natural healing. It's going to take time. It won't happen overnight.

     So from last night.... 1:30am is when I started my day. My sleeping is so bad! I'm going to talk with the doctor and see if there is anything that will help the symptoms. I know there is something to make this easier on my body. Might have to learn the hard way? To remember just how hard it was to get it out of my life and that I never want to detox again!
     Ta Ta for now. Time for some coffee before Starbucks opens st 4:30am.  I'm going to relax. Feels good to get all my thoughts out there for people to see. Thanks for reading :-)
     Drop me a line once in awhile people!  I'm just a call away! Thank you for being there for me. I can do tuff things ms :-)