Hi :-) this is my first blog. I don't know how to do much yet but I learn fast.
I'm 37, a married lady with an awesome husband. His name is Richard. Richard has a very rare brain disease called Spino cerebellum ataxia, it kills the body slowly. He's only 35 but he's no joke, amazing. He can't really walk anymore so I'm also a caregiver as well... what good I can be with a disabled hubby. Very challenging! I myself just had massive back surgery Memorial day 2014. At this point, it's been 2 months about? I have a child... Tyler. His dad is outrageous, heart as cold as a cold as someone rolling around naked in the snow. Thst actually sounds better than being in his company. Long story, I'll get into that another day.
I've dealt with pain since I gave birth 14 years ago. I had to see my doctor to see why I hurt so bad. We blamed it on a heavy belly... as it weighs down my back. They started me off at 5/325 percocet 3 times a day. The basic dose.... that was 14 years ago. What a ride it's been.
I'm currently on 7 to 8, 30mg pure oxycodone daily basis. They kept upping my dose because it wasn't taking away much pain. Went to a pain clinic (jokes).... they upped it to 1pmg,5 months later 15mg... 4 to 6 times a day. Then the whopping 30mg ones all in less than a 6 month period. Crazy
I have detox ed from it twice before. Hell. There's got to be a better word for the suffering your mind and body go through. It's terrifying. Both times were cold turkey, one was a legal reason (smaller end of the spectrum) and one after being done and just wanting my life back. It was more about the "high" from it, i wasn't even paying attention to the pain anymore.
I'm still on 30 mg's, but down to 3 to 4 a day.
I WANT OFF
I'm terrified of jumping off. This time will be hard because I am at such a high dose. The sweating, feeling like I can't keep my arms and legs still, sleeping is nonexistent I remember. These are just a couple examples I'm scared to battle against. I hear so many people, so many of the "you can do this, no problem! ". Obviously they've never been thru it before. Easier said than done as you know if you have gone through with it. I'm a strong person, but it messes with your mind so much. It makes me feel like I'm dying, the days seem endless and all run together. It's crazy how something can enter the body and addict you like that. You may be one of the ones who take a few for a few days then stop with no problems. I'm beyond that point now.....
It wraps you up like as if you rolled your body in a tightly rolled piece of carpet with your arms inside... You're stuck. To undo this... you must plot against it, do it slowly. I'm weening down but that is hell at the same time. I can do this, with discomfort. I have to stick to it... I keep doing the "I'll cut it in half, it will be way easy"...... the problem is its so hard, your mind tells you over and over again that "oh, I didn't go like I planned, I'll start tomorrow". How many times can I do that. It's a mind fuck.
I'm on step 1. Today is the dtart, for sure this time. I'll cut it back by a quarter, only taking 45mg a day. It's still a ton. I guess I'm so used to that that even thst tiny drop down, it still get to me. It's all mind, I know in my mind that I'm shorting myself, so I keep the 1/4 just in case, which I usually take about 5 minutes after I take the initial dose.... I can't control it. Not now anyways... but I will be able to soon.
I'll need support. I have a pretty good set of friends and family thst are here for me. I want to type each word, each feeling I get thru this prosess. I have to do this. We are going to cut back today after my doctors appointment. We agreed on a slow taper. Thank the universe!
I don't know how this blogging thing goes. Do you have followers? Do people even find this? Read it? I hope so. Please be kind. I'm in a spot where I don't need any negative things being slammed at me.
So, day 1. I took a whole one. For the rest of the day, it's 22.5mg per dose instead of 30. May not sound like a lot, but oh trust me.... your body doesn't take it nicely!
Good luck to me.
I really hope I'm doing this right.
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